#thestruggleisreal

Ohh July, you came so fast. As time goes on my heart still break for all the missed opportunities i would have had with my son Brian. Not only do i grieve the physical lost of my baby i also grieve all things i had thought we would be doing together. My grief is still a jumbled ball of mess, some days I can feel good, other days i am completely consumed by it. Its is exhausting to say the least, As time moves forward i cant tell if its getting easier or harder. I feel like i am still trying to clean up all the mess and after math of such great loss. Most days im in auto pilot mode, going from one thing to another to keep busy but, to be honest i am struggling, I am struggling so hard to keep it all together. I just cant imagine living the rest of my life like this, I just want to be happy, on the inside.

I feel like people near and far do not understand the hardship i go through and face everyday, to wake up everyday and continue to live, in attempt of moveing forward. I look like im okay, so i must be? WRONG. I am not okay, Not even a little, i put all those feeling and emotions into a box and close it, in attempt to be successful at life. It hurts me to know that the down fall of my grief has changed me to where many of my personal relationships suffer. I feel so missed understood by everyone, its a lonely feeling. I try to keep pushing forward but it is so exhausting, this is not the life i want to live, carrying such heavy weight on my soul. I can only hope that taking better self care and learning to love myself will lead into me living the greatest life possible.

I just want you to know i can look like im okay, But im not. My heart is shattered, my soul is broken, i just want to feel peace and happiness again, and im not sure if i’ll ever get there.

A look into the life of a bereaved parent

Wake up.

Wow what a beautiful day! I think ill open up the house and then head to the chickens and garden.. Me,  going from room to room opening the windows. Okay, I’ve got all the windows open but that room. His room, the room filled with all of our broken dreams.

Now standing at the bottom of the staircase, Okay deep breath, start climbing stairs almost to the top, another deep breath, okay were here lets open this window. Done. Now to walk across the room to the other window. Walking, walking, cant help but to stop and stare at all the baby stuff. Look down, its a bag with a few clothing articles, Not just any clothes but the last outfits we bought him, One being a fuzzy pajama 3-6 mo purchase while shopping with mommy, the rest being preemie clothes purchased after death. My heart drops. Picks up clothes there must be like four different preemie outfits here? Woah. Flash back, To the night we sat here trying to decide what to burry our son in. Flood gates are now fully open, I cant help but feel the wave of such deep immense pain.  My baby. My baby. Is all I can say or think, I let the tears flows while trying to open another window. Sets down clothes, tear fully heads back down the stairs..

Everything I had planned for this morning is all on hold. I get a strong urge to write, I have to get this out. I cant help but sit and reflect on what these past 6 month have been like. Reflecting on the night we chose baby Brian’s last outfit. How did I even get through that? It was all such a fog then, and it still is, but I can see a little better now. I thank my mom for being there for us, all day and all night, functioning because we couldn’t. Not only had I just lost my baby,  I was also very sick too, I could have died too.

So here we are now 6 months after the death of our son, still trying to find ourselves. 6 months later and still don’t have a headstone for my baby.  6 months, The number of months my doctor recommended waiting before trying to conceive again. 6 months, in which I will now turn 26 years old and my baby is heaven, not in my womb, not in my arms. 6 months, we just lost one of our original family members Buddah the dog, who burned so bright during our darkest of times. 6 months, still so not ready to conceive again but so badly yearns for a living child in my arms.

How has it been 5 months?

Today marks 5 months since I held my baby in my arms, and this momma misses her baby so, so bad. I like to think about how I held him for the first time in my arms, he was still but so perfect and beautiful. Holding him,caressing him, kissing him brought so much peace during such a tramatic time, I know we were surrounded by angels then and still are. Since then I have had moments of feeling overwhelming peace in my heart, and its comes at times just when I need it. It’s like calmness comes over me and I feel weightless, that’s when I know my baby and other angels are with me.

The whole experience of finding out your baby’s heart is no longer beating, then naturally giving birth is and was, a very traumatizing event in my life. The first few days, weeks, months it felt like it haunted me. It was all I could see, Id close my eyes and see his lifeless body on the ultrasound screen, or I’d close my eyes an be right back in that room I delivered in and the nurse would be handing me my lifeless baby. Those two scene would just play over and over in my head. I would stare and cry at all the different photos albums of my baby Brian, sometimes it would help get the haunting images out of my head, most the time I think it help me relize this did really happen.

Probably until a month ago I was in a really bad, low place, just getting deeper and deeper. It’s a lonely feeling because no one knows what it’s like to be me, to be the mother that had say goodbye, the person that grew life then that life died inside of them, the one that gets haunting images all day, the one that doesn’t eat and doesn’t sleep anything like they should, I would stay up so late at night watching movies trying to keep my mind occupied until I fall asleep upright on the couch, that was almost every night, Or else I was just a haunted by all the images in my head.

As a mother the pain and grief I feel is so much different than how a man feels, that added to feelings of loneliness. While going through this my family and friends have stood by me. They told me over and over the things I needed to hear. It didn’t make the pain any less but atleast I could speak openly and deeply about what I was going through. One of my best friends has been there for me the whole time, she was by side during delivery, she wiped my tears and feed me ice, hovering closely. She got to hold and kiss my baby Brian and she lets me speak without judgement about the dark lonely things I was feeling and  for that i am forever grateful to have her. I feel like god has surrounded me with all the right people.

It was probably a little over a month ago, it took a huge mental break down and my husband literally shaking me and telling me this is real! You have to snap out of it, we cant keep going on like this and he was right. It’s not fun being a wanderer with no sense of direction. A couple days after that I ran into an old client/ friend /spiritual healer she came at the perfect time. Her energy and the tools she gave me really got me starting to climb out of this black hole.

Right now I’m trying to focus on remembering all the good times we had with baby Brian. All the things we did together as a family, our pregnancy was a exciting time for all of us and all the tramatic images and memories kept me from seeing or feeling all the good times we did have. Right now I’m not haunted as much by the images in my head and if I start to focus on the delivery I make myself stop and start trying to think of the happy times we had while being pregnant or that overwhelming feelings of peace he does give me. I know baby Brian is always with me and in my heart. I just don’t want the world to forget him.

 

 

 

 

Time to accept

I haven’t wrote anything for a little bit.. to say I have been struggling, would be an understatement. I haven’t been writing because I fight everyday to get out of bed and try to survive another day.  I feel like there is never enough time in the day and I know a lot of people can relate to that but now a days for me it’s hard to do the littlest things, like online bill pay,going to the bank, the post office, the grocery store and then make a gourmet dinner. So many things I used be able to handle some days are easier than other but by the time I get some me time the last thing I want to do is get all emotional about how I’m feeling and how were really doing. 

I say I’m struggling because I am, the pain has not gone away. My heart has not magically healed it’s self or stopped beating. I still don’t know how I am even still alive. The loss we have suffered has such eminence pain, how can one still be standing? I still feel or wish this was a terrible dream, that I’m going to wake up and have my baby. I feel like I’m alway searching for him, my body longs to have that baby boy healthy and alive inside of me. I know I need to snap out of it and accept he is really gone.That it is his is grave I go to, that this is some lifetime movie but that I am here and and living it. I need to accept it, I need to start living again. MY baby boy that was once living with a heartbeat and soul, kicking and hiccupping, rolling around, the one that was with me at all times from beginning to end is dead and I will never have him in my arms agian.

I want to live my life for him! Truly love and live it, he doesn’t get the chance too. It’s too late for him, But I am still here and I need to do it for him and bring him along carry him in my heart so we can heal it together. ❤

 

Two Months.

Yesterday evening, while sitting next to the river it hit me. It has been two months since the best and worst day of my life! How? I don’t know, It doesn’t feel like it should be March by now, How can it be two months already? Two months have past since my baby died. I cant even explain how that feels. Two months since I have heard his heartbeat, sitting on this same couch in the same seat. Its been two months since I held my baby for the first time, still. It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. How could any of this be?  I’m still asking myself is this real life? Is my baby really gone? Is that really our grave? It is so unbelievable. No person wants to ever believe their child is gone. Forever. Im not sure if it will ever fully set in. I will always want my little Brian, I will always miss and love my son. I may look alright or try and be alright but inside my heart is torn. Its something you feel through out every inch of your body. Complete brokenness.

I hope to not feel so broken one day. I pray for the pain to not hurt as much. I wonder if the pain will actually fade away or will I just become stronger or immune to it? For a while I have felt like there is no hope. How could I possibly find joy again, feel again, Becoming jealous of my husband for being able to find joy in the things he loves. He has carried and pushed me to keep going this whole time. It wasn’t for him I think I would be in a complete depression, it would be so easy to just let go. There is a pretty fine line and I think I’m walking it but he has kept me moving and I am starting to find light in the small things. Its not the activities that are bringing joy its the company and people I am surrounded by. Of course I find myself the most happy with my husband, but I feel like I’m clingy now. I never want him to leave me to go off on his own, Which is something that is new because we both need and enjoy our independence. I am so grateful for the partner I have and for our friends and family that have surrounded us with love and support. If It wasn’t for them functioning when we can’t I don’t know how far back we would be in all of this. So thank you.

Spring is almost here, I have been telling myself to hang in there only a little time and ill be playing in the dirt. I can tell myself that 100 times and still feel numb. But recently I’ve started to find a little bit of hope again, a flick of pure excitement is starting to dance inside me for the all the possibilities spring is bringing. I’m starting to picture what that will be like, it feels huge for me. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to actually believe and feel hopeful for the future. It would be easier to believe there is nothing good and to never get out of bed, which is something I really wish I could do. But I know I cant I have to kept fighting forward my family needs me too,

I believe we will have a rich and full life someday again. See what is so crazy about this grief is I can believe that we will have a rich and full life, but can I see it? No. I cannot picture or imagine what our future holds, or how our lives will continue on. But I believe someday will be there, whatever it looks like.

Our view is so different now. We are finding beauty in little things.. Like an orange, I can not get enough of peeling and eating oranges. lol I’ve always cut my navels into wedges, Especially when I was pregnant eating like 3- or 4 at a time. No way was I going to peel that many oranges. In fact for years I’ve never peeled my orange and would had it to Brian for him to peel. Now I love to just sit back and slowly peel my orange, the scent is so uplifting! Its the little things.

As I sit next to the river and see all the foliage started to bud about to burst into spring and bring new life, I feel motivated. I feel like I can do it too and it reminds of how much I truly do love this time of year. I may not really feel it right now, But I can tell she is still in there, and I will continue on trying to find her, myself again.

Mommy Misses You

Most nights are hard, Some nights, like tonight my heart breaks as if it was the first time I heard he was no longer here. As we sit in complete silence everything feels so wrong. I still think to myself,” Is this real life? is this really my realty?”  33 weeks of growing a life, my child’s life and all I get are these photos on my wall. I know im a mom but I so badly want my child here in my arms, My arms literally ache to have my baby back. I think back to our precious time together and how peaceful baby Brian looked. He was so perfect, looking like he’s sleeping. The whole time during labor I just kept thinking well maybe hell come out breathing, maybe it was a fluke, deep down I knew it wasn’t happening but I think any mother would still be clinging on to the hope of there child still being alive. I so badly wanted him to wake up. Your mind starts to play tricks on you, I wasn’t the only one that kept thinking you’d here him take a breath. We all desperately wanted him to wake up.

Moments like this I just want to runaway, No one should ever have to feel like this. No one should ever have to live through this kind of heartbreak, the loss of your child. I have no choice but to keep living, and this pain will never go away, hopefully I learn to live with it. Saying that feels big for me right now, As of lately Its feel like there is no hope for any good. Im trying to trust things will get better.

Momma loves her baby

Going through it

The past week or so has been pretty tough. It started with valentines day, the first holiday without our son, and then we had baby Brian’s due date come and go, on top of that I am also slowly trying to get back to work doing hair. I find myself staying busy so that I wont process or feel my emotions, and truthfully I am a wreck but life continues on. its never stopped, my world crashed but life kept moving so now I find myself getting dressed, doing hair and make up, trying to act like a normal functioning member of society. But what is that? I do not know, I don’t know who I am or what I am here to do. I was once a woman who was confident, strong, and independent. That is no longer me, I am sure she is still in there but she struggles to breath. Nowadays I don’t know what to say, or how to feel, I feel awkward and out of place all of the time. I constantly have a feeling of something is missing and empty. . From someone who was very comfortable in their bubble I now need the hugs and kind words of support and strength given by other people. As a grieving a mother  just a simple hug knowing you sympathize with me, and understand that my heart has been shattered into a million pieces gives so comfort.

My emotions, thoughts, feelings go up, down and around all day long. Its quite exhausting. After getting through valentines day. I went to work the next day which feels like auto pilot, thank goodness I love my job and clients because I don’t know how I would be without that little bit of normalcy. Its kind of nice to be able to go to work and be just a hairdresser, I say just a hairdresser because that is about all I can be right now. Being able to go into the salon with the task of coloring and cutting, accomplishing it with tangible results and then leaving feels good, It means for a couple of hours I am doing something I enjoy. But that doesn’t go without saying I have gone into work and cried. Shed some tears then pick myself up and continue on.

Crying in public is now a thing I do, the grief hits you so unexpectedly and now your wiping a way tears in front of random people. There are times when I’m  feeling really weak or crying on the way to the store then one person says one little things and the water works are on. Its not what they say that causes this is. its just the fact that I  constantly feel so broken and im trying to continue on my journey with grief that the emotions get bottled up and just release. I think anyone whos experienced loss of a loved one could relate to that. Something I now do differently is trying to not look like a hot mess in public, I try and get dressed/ fixed up so that I don’t have to look on the outside how I feel on the inside. I feel like an aged, broken woman, I am broken and frantically trying to pick up the pieces, but there is no rushing grief, i will never be healed from it, I will never get over the loss of my son, my love for Brian Ray will never fade away, therefore I will forever grieve my loss of him. I just pray that I will find myself again. The new me

 Being a mother,  wife, best friend, daughter, sister are all too much for me right now. On Wednesday the 17th was baby Brian’s due date. Obviously that was a particularly hard day for me and my family. I cried all night the day before and the day after, the day its self  was just too painful to process on that day. We didn’t have a for sure plans but knew we wanted to keeping busy so a quick stop to the rec shop, a stop at the cemetery and then fishing we went, it was either go fishing, kick by butt walking through the fields and hopefully catch a fish or go for a drive. Well we should have went with option number two! We figured if  we  went out and physically exhausted our self the day would go by faster and easier and man were we wrong. Two grieving parents going out to something that is reasonably difficult and an already difficult day was a complete failure. Emotions were high and on edge. We thought being out alone together doing something we enjoy would help us but instead we both needed someone to hold us and being that for each other wasn’t possible because we are both grieving this tremendous loss. By the time we made it back to the truck we had already knew how completely mistaken we where to think we could have had a good day, When you depend on each other to be so many things (partner, lover, best friend)  but no one is in any shape to be that, shit gets crazy. So in reality we got through the day of our sons due date, arguing and bickering just enough to keep us from feeling how truly heart broken we are. which I think is just fine, who are we to get mad at each other for having high emotions and a short fuse, we both feel the same pain so all was forgiven and we went to bed hoping for a better tomorrow.

Tomorrow did come and I was a lot, lot better. We ended up going out floating the river with our friend Tom. I don’t think our friends and my family members know or realize how much they truly do help us. Just being with people who know us and support and love us helps, catching a 13 pound steelhead also helps 🙂 The boys were jumping with joy after a group effort of landing this fish I caught. I could tell they expected me to be more excited than I was but i haven’t found that type of happiness yet. Sometimes I envy big Brian for being able to thoroughly enjoy himself and find joy in things, I want to have that too ! That same day I found a elk tooth in the river, I also found I nice agate and in catching that steelhead I had the same amount of happiness in all of it. They couldn’t understand how I wasn’t more excited over the fish, it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy I just don’t find that jumping off of your toes kind of joy, I hope to someday find again. The next day I went back into the salon, It was kind of a long day I had the feeling of emotions building up, I don’t know if it was the look of defeat on my face or maybe he could tell I had just been crying before I arrived but a kind gentleman ended up giving me some fishing tackle and that totally made my day. After everything we have been through it still amazes me the kind of community we have. Going out into public isn’t easy but with the support of family, friends and community it makes is a little easier to grieve and continue moving forward.

I want to thank everyone who has and is standing alongside of us helping us, giving us their strength and support. We can feel how truly loved we are and how Little Brian Ray has touch so many lives. He is forever in our heart and soul.

Bittersweet

February 14th, It’s Valentines day so cruel but sweet for so many reasons, Most people spend Valentines day celebrating and acknowledging their loved ones. For someone who has lost their child, today is particularly hard. The love a mother has for their child is so uncontrollably strong, I love my son so much it hurts. Becoming a mother is growing, nurturing, and caring for a life that started inside your womb. A little life that seeded from the bond and connection of love, together we created a life. Our baby was a direct result of our love, My child is gone but my love is forever, I will always carry my baby Brian in my broken heart for as long as I live, Brian has a piece of my heart I will never get back. I long for the moment we see other again.

In three days it will be what was my due date, I should be 40 weeks pregnant anticipating the arrival of our little boy the product of our love. In many ways today hurt pretty bad, and as I wondered what was it about Valentine’s day that makes today so painful, I realize It is the pure love that I have for my child that makes today so tough but sweet. As much as it hurts and how bad my heart aches that my baby is no longer here fact that I did have my baby  and that I will always have him in my heart, makes it sweet. Of course all I want is to have my baby in my arms but I will never have that again. What makes today bearable is fact that I was blessed enough to have had him to begin with, that I am lucky to have called him my son, and I am his mother. I am so grateful to have had this special little guy and to have named him after the wonderful man that helped in creating him and that I would never change. As much as my heartaches without my baby I would never change the fact that he was mine and  we created him, He brought so much joy and love to our lives in such a brief time. Our time together was short but I would go through all of it again just to hold him for a second longer because the love I have for him is more than any pain I could feel. I can only cry and re play memories so many times but our love is so much deeper and never ending. I have survived my first valentines day keeping my baby close to my heart.

First

First pregnancy

Early morning June 3rd, 2015 first positive pregnancy test I had ever received. We had our suspensions but that morning a second faint line confirmed what we had already knew, this was two weeks before my missed cycle, Two weeks before my 25th birthday. Our offspring was developing at full speed with some light headedness, exhaustion, tender breast, and constipation to go along with it. We were thrilled to share our exciting news to a few good friends and family.20150722_174614_HDR.jpg

Before I had knew it the first trimester was over and I was starting to feel my energy coming back, and as far as we could tell there was definitely a bump going on. I was constantly on pregnancy websites fantasizing about everything that’s to come. After the we got the first trimester down i thought, “Okay we got this we are out of the most crucial time.”

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Summer was coming to an end we survived the heat, continued our route tine check ups. We hiked a mountain to witness my cousin get married. Fall comes and goes just as fast, but with notable kidney stones.

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 December!? It believe how fast this pregnancy has gone by and now its my time to out the gender of our first child.

Its a BOY!!

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We are now into our third trimester of pregnancy, still so shocked that another human will be ours for us to love and raise with only a few short weeks left the new year came fast. I was 33 weeks pregnant for the first time, innocently anticipating the arrival of our baby boy with the biggest worry of keeping my weight gain in mind. Taking it easy because soon I will be in labor for the first time delivering our child and life as we know it will never be.. I always had a feeling he was going to come early But never did I or could I expect what happened next. Delivering my first born son Brian Ray Wilson still.