The past week or so has been pretty tough. It started with valentines day, the first holiday without our son, and then we had baby Brian’s due date come and go, on top of that I am also slowly trying to get back to work doing hair. I find myself staying busy so that I wont process or feel my emotions, and truthfully I am a wreck but life continues on. its never stopped, my world crashed but life kept moving so now I find myself getting dressed, doing hair and make up, trying to act like a normal functioning member of society. But what is that? I do not know, I don’t know who I am or what I am here to do. I was once a woman who was confident, strong, and independent. That is no longer me, I am sure she is still in there but she struggles to breath. Nowadays I don’t know what to say, or how to feel, I feel awkward and out of place all of the time. I constantly have a feeling of something is missing and empty. . From someone who was very comfortable in their bubble I now need the hugs and kind words of support and strength given by other people. As a grieving a mother just a simple hug knowing you sympathize with me, and understand that my heart has been shattered into a million pieces gives so comfort.
My emotions, thoughts, feelings go up, down and around all day long. Its quite exhausting. After getting through valentines day. I went to work the next day which feels like auto pilot, thank goodness I love my job and clients because I don’t know how I would be without that little bit of normalcy. Its kind of nice to be able to go to work and be just a hairdresser, I say just a hairdresser because that is about all I can be right now. Being able to go into the salon with the task of coloring and cutting, accomplishing it with tangible results and then leaving feels good, It means for a couple of hours I am doing something I enjoy. But that doesn’t go without saying I have gone into work and cried. Shed some tears then pick myself up and continue on.
Crying in public is now a thing I do, the grief hits you so unexpectedly and now your wiping a way tears in front of random people. There are times when I’m feeling really weak or crying on the way to the store then one person says one little things and the water works are on. Its not what they say that causes this is. its just the fact that I constantly feel so broken and im trying to continue on my journey with grief that the emotions get bottled up and just release. I think anyone whos experienced loss of a loved one could relate to that. Something I now do differently is trying to not look like a hot mess in public, I try and get dressed/ fixed up so that I don’t have to look on the outside how I feel on the inside. I feel like an aged, broken woman, I am broken and frantically trying to pick up the pieces, but there is no rushing grief, i will never be healed from it, I will never get over the loss of my son, my love for Brian Ray will never fade away, therefore I will forever grieve my loss of him. I just pray that I will find myself again. The new me
Being a mother, wife, best friend, daughter, sister are all too much for me right now. On Wednesday the 17th was baby Brian’s due date. Obviously that was a particularly hard day for me and my family. I cried all night the day before and the day after, the day its self was just too painful to process on that day. We didn’t have a for sure plans but knew we wanted to keeping busy so a quick stop to the rec shop, a stop at the cemetery and then fishing we went, it was either go fishing, kick by butt walking through the fields and hopefully catch a fish or go for a drive. Well we should have went with option number two! We figured if we went out and physically exhausted our self the day would go by faster and easier and man were we wrong. Two grieving parents going out to something that is reasonably difficult and an already difficult day was a complete failure. Emotions were high and on edge. We thought being out alone together doing something we enjoy would help us but instead we both needed someone to hold us and being that for each other wasn’t possible because we are both grieving this tremendous loss. By the time we made it back to the truck we had already knew how completely mistaken we where to think we could have had a good day, When you depend on each other to be so many things (partner, lover, best friend) but no one is in any shape to be that, shit gets crazy. So in reality we got through the day of our sons due date, arguing and bickering just enough to keep us from feeling how truly heart broken we are. which I think is just fine, who are we to get mad at each other for having high emotions and a short fuse, we both feel the same pain so all was forgiven and we went to bed hoping for a better tomorrow.
Tomorrow did come and I was a lot, lot better. We ended up going out floating the river with our friend Tom. I don’t think our friends and my family members know or realize how much they truly do help us. Just being with people who know us and support and love us helps, catching a 13 pound steelhead also helps 🙂 The boys were jumping with joy after a group effort of landing this fish I caught. I could tell they expected me to be more excited than I was but i haven’t found that type of happiness yet. Sometimes I envy big Brian for being able to thoroughly enjoy himself and find joy in things, I want to have that too ! That same day I found a elk tooth in the river, I also found I nice agate and in catching that steelhead I had the same amount of happiness in all of it. They couldn’t understand how I wasn’t more excited over the fish, it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy I just don’t find that jumping off of your toes kind of joy, I hope to someday find again. The next day I went back into the salon, It was kind of a long day I had the feeling of emotions building up, I don’t know if it was the look of defeat on my face or maybe he could tell I had just been crying before I arrived but a kind gentleman ended up giving me some fishing tackle and that totally made my day. After everything we have been through it still amazes me the kind of community we have. Going out into public isn’t easy but with the support of family, friends and community it makes is a little easier to grieve and continue moving forward.
I want to thank everyone who has and is standing alongside of us helping us, giving us their strength and support. We can feel how truly loved we are and how Little Brian Ray has touch so many lives. He is forever in our heart and soul.